What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

First they have to agree on which is better; the analog bulb or a digital bulb.
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Two girls were born on the same day, same year, same parents, except they are not twins. Explain:

They are triplets.
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