What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Agnostics question whether electricity really exists.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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How many believable, competent, ``just-right-for-the-job'' presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
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