What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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Why is tennis such a loud game?

Because each player raises a racquet.
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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What is "HIJKLMNO"?

H2O.
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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.
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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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Know how copper wire was invented?

Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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