What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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Were does a boat go when it is sick?

To the dock.
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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