What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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What do you call a snowman in the desert?

A puddle!
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What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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What 7 letters did Lizzy say when she opened the refrigerator and found it empty?

O I C U R M T
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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