What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

She ran away from the ball.
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

None; the Bible doesn't mention any light bulbs.
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