Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?

Terrorists have sympathizers

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How do you fix a broken brass instrument?

With a Tuba glue.

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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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