What's the first thing a musician says at work?

"Would you like fries with that?"

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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks...

Does Boston stop at this train?
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.
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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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