What's the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has the most stories.
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller
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What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick layer!
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I'll call you later.

Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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