What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?

Saliva
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke...

In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.

If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.

Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

Bibliography:

[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, Re: YALBJ, 1986
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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