What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?

A hoarse fly!
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Any changes will have to be implemented in software.
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