What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What did the ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in humans?
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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