What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What do you call a cheese factory in the Middle East?

Cheeses of Nazareth.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

One hundred and nine. Seven on the Lightbulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Lightbulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of five, who place it on the agenda of the 18-member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27-member Church Board, who appoint another 12-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another eight-member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a lightbulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the lightbulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a seven-member committee to find the best price in new lightbulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23-member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to the Disney corporation. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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