What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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Why did the singer climb a ladder?

She wanted to reach the high notes!

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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A whole synod. One to move that the bulb be changed while the others debate until the room spins.
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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