What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile
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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A cartoon.
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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