What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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What's the definition of a gentleman?

One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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