What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
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What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I'm coming down with something!
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate 9.
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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