What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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Why did the farmer wear one boot to town?

Because he heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?

The police had to comb the area.
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Interesting story, the guy who helped me learn algebra never farted around anyone.

I mean he did say he was a private tutor.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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