What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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