What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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What are pirate's favoite treat?

Chips AHOY!!
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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