What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

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The new band called 1023MB.

They haven't had any gigs yet
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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