What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.
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What is black when clean, and white when dirty?

A blackboard.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time!
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