What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?

Terrorists have sympathizers

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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.
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What kind of balls do dragons play soccer with?

Fireballs.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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