What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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Whats the difference between a cat and a compound sentence?

One has claws at the end of its paws and one has a pause at the end of its clause
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How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the (pick one:) mineral water/Tab.
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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