What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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