What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?

Wet.
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