What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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What did the number 0 say to number 8?

Nice belt!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

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How do you handle dangerous cheese?

Caerphilly.
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
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How does the ocean say hello?

It waves.
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