What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

To get a mini soda
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What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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