What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How many referral agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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What has ears like a cat and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?

A kitten.
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How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more, guys, I promise.
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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were "ants"!
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