When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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Why are there fences around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo?

A Broncosaurus or a Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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When should you buy a bird?

When it's going cheep!

Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
He wanted to make a long distance caw.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite

He said NaBrO
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