When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
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Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling well!
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How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Why did the girl throw the butter out the window?

She wanted to see a butterfly.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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