When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, "moo"

and the other one says, "That's what I was going to say."
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it's Halloween!!
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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