When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.

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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.

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What do you call a wheel made of iron?

A ferrous wheel.
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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish

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