When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What has four legs and goes "Oom, Oom"?

A cow walking backwards
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How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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What's the slipperiest country?

Greece!
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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