When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A blushing zebra.
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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How many times does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?

No one knows. Republicans automatically disbelieve him, and no one can ever trust a stinking liberal anyway.
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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