When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity any more.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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What do you call two banana peels?

Slippers.
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What is black and white and red all over?

A skunk with a rash.
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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