When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.

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What do you call a rabbit with beetles all over it?

Bugs Bunny.

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What is only a small box but can weigh over a hundred pounds?

A scale.
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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!

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Why don't lawyers go to the beach?

Cats keep trying to bury them.
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Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game?

Because he wanted to tie the score!
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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