When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.

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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky

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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.

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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle!

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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.

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