When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?

To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.

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