When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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What's the definition of a minor second?

Two flutes playing in unison.

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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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I have a friend who is a Limo driver . But he has had no clients for two years.

So he has nothing to chauffeur it !
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.
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