When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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How Many lead guitarist does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just steal somebody else's light.
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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What is always hot in the refrigerator?

Chili
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?

He was a dirty double crosser!
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