When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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I would avoid the sushi if I was you.

It’s a little fishy.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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What's black and white and red all over?

A blushing zebra.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
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