When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Which search engine is popular amongst mice?

Ask Cheese.
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why did the sun go to school?

To get brighter!
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What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?

"Trike or Treat"?
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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