When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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What is only a small box but can weigh over a hundred pounds?

A scale.
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller
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