When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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How many Bell Labs vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

That's proprietary information. The answer is available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
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What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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How do hair stylists speed up their job?

They take short cuts!
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story
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