When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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What's the best parting gift?

A comb.
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?

A hoarse fly!
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What is a cat's favorite movie?

The sound of Mew-sic
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Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages?

Because they had so many knights.
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Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.
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