When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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