When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

Three - one to cast the bulb into the outer darkness, and two to catch it when it falls.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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What room does a ghost not need?

A living room!
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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Who's richer — the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker?

The baker, because he has lots of dough.
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