When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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Making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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What kind of underwear to reporters wear?

News briefs.
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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