When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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What is Donald Trumps favorite song?

ICE ICE Baby......
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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