When should you buy a bird?

When it's going cheep!

Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
He wanted to make a long distance caw.
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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it

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What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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What do frogs order when they go to a restaurant?

French Flies.
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What cell phones do travelling nuns use?

Virgin mobile.
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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