When should you buy a bird?

When it's going cheep!

Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
He wanted to make a long distance caw.
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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What is a spaceman's favorite chocolate?

A marsbar!
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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