When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check

It said Nah, I'm traveling light.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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