Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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