Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

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How do Eskimos make their beds?

With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?

It saves time in the long run.

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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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