Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness® as the industry standard.
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Why is the French horn the most divine instrument?

Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out

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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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