Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How did Ben Franklin feel after discovering electricity?

Shocked.
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How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate 9.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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