Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop.
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