Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What is up in the air and wobbles?

A jellycopter
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?

Wet.
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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