Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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If H20 is water, what is H204?

Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day.
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