Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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What does new age music sound like played backwards?

New age music.

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How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer

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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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