Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?

It saves time in the long run.

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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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