Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Once there was a family called the Biggers. There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and their son. Who was bigger, Mr. Bigger or his son?

His son, because he's a little Bigger!

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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!

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How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more, guys, I promise.

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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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