Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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How many Sound Recordists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

WHAT?
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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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