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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?
At forks in the road.
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What kind of music do planets sing?
Neptunes!
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How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?
Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.
Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?
Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
Got two fives for a ten?
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What kind of dessert does a ghost like?
I scream!
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Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
Because deep down, they're really good people.
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