Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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How many Bell Labs vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

That's proprietary information. The answer is available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
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How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?

Start with two million.

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