Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

Got two fives for a ten?
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What kind of dessert does a ghost like?

I scream!
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Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.
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