Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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What two things can you not have for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner.
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Why did the chicken cross the clothing store?

To get to the other size!
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What do you get if Bach falls off a horse but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?

Bach in the saddle again.

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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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