Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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What did the light bulb say to its mother?

I wuv you watts and watts.
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