Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

``Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''
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How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but she/he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.

'It's not unusual' he replied.

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