Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?

About one third less than for a regular bulb.
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Why did the cow go to outer space?

To visit the milky way.
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Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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