Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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What do you call a story about a broken pencil?

Pointless
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'.

So I went - and I got it.
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What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.
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