Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?

Start with two million.

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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.
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