Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game?

Because he wanted to tie the score!
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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What's a light-year?

The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
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What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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