Where are sharks from?

Finland.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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How does an Eskimo stick his house together?

With igloo!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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