Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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How do hair stylists speed up their job?

They take short cuts!
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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