Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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What's green and loud?

A froghorn.
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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