Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery
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What did one hair say to the other?

It takes two to tangle!
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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to change it and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
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Why was the baseball game so hot?

Because all the fans left!
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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