Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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How do you make Halloween great again?

By carving a Trumpkin.
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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