Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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