Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite

He said NaBrO
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What has legs but doesn't walk?

A bed.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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