Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes six visits.
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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