Where did the sheep go on vacation?

The baaaahamas
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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Why is tennis such a loud game?

Because each player raises a racquet.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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