Where do all the letters sleep?

In the alphabed.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke...

In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.

If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.

Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

Bibliography:

[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, Re: YALBJ, 1986
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What school do you have to drop out of to graduate from?

Parachute school!
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If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

H2O cubed.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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And how come her cell phone bill was so high?

She was a Roman (roamin) Catholic
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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