Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?

A mouse on vacation.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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