Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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How does the ocean say hello?

It waves.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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