Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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I would avoid the sushi if I was you.

It’s a little fishy.
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