Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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What do you call a lawyer gone bad.

Senator.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller",

he said "Not you again".

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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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