Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why did the surfer think the sea was his friend?

Because it gave him a big wave!
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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to the body shop.
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