Where do orcas hear music?

Orca-stras
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Shamboo!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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