Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?

It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.

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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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What kind of shoes do bannanas make?

Slippers!
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.

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