Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.
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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.
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What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?

Saliva
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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