Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?

CSI
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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