Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?

None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

Boo-Jeans.
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Can you say Richard and Robert had a rabbit without using the "r" sound?

Sure, Dick and Bob had a bunny!
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