Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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What runs around a yard without moving?

A fence.
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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