Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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What do basketball players and babies have in common?

They both dribble.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?

His "ghoul" friend!
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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And the mermaid, that was weird. What was she wearing in math class?

An Algae-bra
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