Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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Why did the drum take a nap?

It was beat.
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What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop.
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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