Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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What two things can you not have for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, "moo"

and the other one says, "That's what I was going to say."
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A seal walks into a club...
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you?

Cause your the only one Hair.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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