Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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