Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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How do you make an egg laugh?

Tell it a yolk.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why did the surfer think the sea was his friend?

Because it gave him a big wave!
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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Why did the belt go to jail?

It held up a pair of pants.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Shamboo!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
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