Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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What do you call a calf after it's six months old?

Seven months old.
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I would avoid the sushi if I was you.

It’s a little fishy.
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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How many Bell Labs vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

That's proprietary information. The answer is available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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