Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?

Because they have a lot of spirit.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What do you call snake with no clothes on?

Snaked.
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How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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