Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why is a skeleton so mean?

He doesn't have a heart.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights!
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What happened when the monster ate the electric company?

He was in shock for a week.
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