Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it

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What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?

Hair Force One!
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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What is at the end of everything?

The letter G.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?

Snow balls!
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