Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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How many members of the United Church of Canada does it take to change a light bulb?

How dare you be so intolerant! So what if the light bulb has chosen an alternative light-style?
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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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