Where do you go to find a million story building?

You go to the Library!
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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