Where do you go to find a million story building?

You go to the Library!
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who read binary and those who don't.
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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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