Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What do you call snake with no clothes on?

Snaked.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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