Where does a polarbear keep its money?

In a snow bank!
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?

His powder puff is on the wrong end.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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