Where does an elephant pack his luggage?

In his trunk
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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