Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling well!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why did the gardener plant his money?

He wanted his soil to be rich!
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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What do ghosts eat for supper?

Spooketi
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What's the only difference between Donald Trump and Bozo the Clown?

Bozo The Clown has real hair on his head.
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