Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more, guys, I promise.
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer

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Why does a stork stand on one leg?

Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.
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What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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