Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?

Because his feet stink
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who read binary and those who don't.
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Why did the farmer wear one boot to town?

Because he heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin!
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What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?

A natural major.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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