Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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Where do you learn to make banana splits?

In sundae school.
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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