Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What has four legs and goes "Oom, Oom"?

A cow walking backwards
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How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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