Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves.
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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