Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?

When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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What did Michael Jackson tell the little boy?

"The way you make me feel, it really turns me on!"
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How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?

About one third less than for a regular bulb.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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Why is tennis such a loud game?

Because each player raises a racquet.
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