Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).


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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story

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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.

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