Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who read binary and those who don't.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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