Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

Got two fives for a ten?
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15 Degrees C

and still be 0k?
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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