Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
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Who's richer — the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker?

The baker, because he has lots of dough.
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Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?

So he could grade his eggs.
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What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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