Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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What did the light bulb say to its mother?

I wuv you watts and watts.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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What did one wall say to the other?

I'll meet you at the corner.
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Why was the vacationing doctor so mad?

He had no patients.
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