Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!
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How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on the speed of the change and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. It just might be easier to leave the bulb and change the room. It's all relative.
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How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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What did the necktie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
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What do you call a young army?

Infantry.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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