Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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Why is Superman's costume so tight?

Because he wears a size "S".
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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