Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A tree in a golden forest.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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What bird can lift the most?

A crane.
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Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?

They wear snowcaps.
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What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.
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What happened when the monster ate the electric company?

He was in shock for a week.
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