Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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The defendant is accused of putting dynamite into a steer.

Abominable! [A Bomb In a Bull]
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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Middle C, E-Flat and G walk into a bar.

Sorry, says the barman, we don't serve minors.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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