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Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?
Neither, they all burn shorter.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!
You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?
At forks in the road.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?
He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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Where do ghosts buy their food?
At the ghost-ery store!
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What did the picture say to the wall?
I've been framed.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?
Never lick the spoon!
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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