Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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