Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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Why is slippery ice like music?

If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!

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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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