Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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What do postal workers do when they're mad?

They stamp their feet.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why was the baseball game so hot?

Because all the fans left!
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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