Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle!

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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Agnostics question whether electricity really exists.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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