Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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