Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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What kind of shoes do bannanas make?

Slippers!
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What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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