Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him/her.
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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?

None, because they were copycats
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
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