Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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Where do mice park their boats?

At the hickory dickory dock.

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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.

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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.

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Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

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What goes under your feet and over your head?

A jump rope.

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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.

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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.

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