Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have any guts!
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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How many [ethnic] gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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