Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to change it and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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