Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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Two girls were born on the same day, same year, same parents, except they are not twins. Explain:

They are triplets.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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Where does a ten ton elephant sit?

Anywhere it wants to
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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