Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?

50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
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Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?

Because his feet stink
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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What is the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth-hurty.
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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