Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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