Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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What does cheese say to itself in the mirror?

Halloumi.
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
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