Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.
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How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?

50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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Why was the boy sitting on his watch?

Because he wanted to be on time.
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How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes six visits.
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How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.
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What is a lion's favorite state?

Maine
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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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