Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.
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Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?

10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What do you call two banana peels?

Slippers.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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What concert costs 45 cents?

50 cent featuring Nickelback

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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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