Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?

Dead.
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What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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How many PA' does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What's a light bulb?
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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