Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.
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What is only a small box but can weigh over a hundred pounds?

A scale.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?

Because she wanted to get a good scoop.
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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller",

he said "Not you again".

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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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