Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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How many French Horn players does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he/she will spend hours checking for technical problems.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What do Michael Jackson and x-boxs have in common?

They're both plastic and little boys turn them on.
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How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Agnostics question whether electricity really exists.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
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