Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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