Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

It's time to go to sweep.
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What has three letters and starts with gas?

A car
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What does the winner of the race lose?

His breath.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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