Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?

They had reservations.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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A seal walks into a club...
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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Why did the farmer wear one boot to town?

Because he heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!
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