Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What did one tooth say to the other tooth?

The dentist is taking me out tonight.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?

A phew.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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