Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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How many college girls does it take to change a light bulb?

That's "women," you unfunny jerk!

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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?

He was looking for Pluto.

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What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?

Anything you like, he can't hear you.

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."

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