Who makes the best cake on a baseball team?

The batter.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.

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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g

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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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What kind of flower has lips?

Two-lips!
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.

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What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer

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Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.

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