Who makes the best cake on a baseball team?

The batter.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

It's time to go to sweep.

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Who makes dinosaur clothes?

A dino-sewer.

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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

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What's 182 feet tall and made out of pepperoni and cheese?

The leaning tower of Pizza.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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What does Melania see in Donald Trump?

"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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