Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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What does a cat call a hummingbird?

Fast food.
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, but they're really only one.
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What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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