Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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