Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

I don't know. There are some things even a blonde won't do.
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I'll call you later.

Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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Whats Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Discrimination.
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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What is Donald Trump telling all his supporters?


Orange Is The New Black.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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