Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What kind of shoes do bannanas make?

Slippers!
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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Why did Mozart sell his chickens?

Because they kept saying "bach bach"!
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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