Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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