Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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Where does a ten ton elephant sit?

Anywhere it wants to
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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