Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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