Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed!
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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What did the laywer name his daughter?

Sue.
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