Why are kindergarten teachers so good?

They can make little things count.
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What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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