Why are kindergarten teachers so good?

They can make little things count.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?

Terrorists have sympathizers

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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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