Why are kindergarten teachers so good?

They can make little things count.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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What is a cat's favorite movie?

The sound of Mew-sic
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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