Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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What do lawyers wear in court?

Lawsuits.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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What is only a small box but can weigh over a hundred pounds?

A scale.
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