Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who read binary and those who don't.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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Why are there fences around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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