Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.

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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.

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Why did the drum take a nap?

It was beat.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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