Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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Why does cheese look sane?

Because everything else on the plate is crackers.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

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"Dyslexic man walks into a bra"



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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".

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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.

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