Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.

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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!

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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What did the light bulb say to its mother?

I wuv you watts and watts.
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