Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?

Anything you like, he can't hear you.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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Why did the gardener plant his money?

He wanted his soil to be rich!
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What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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