Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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What is only a small box but can weigh over a hundred pounds?

A scale.
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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What did Cinderella say to the photographer?

Some day my prints will come.
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What do you call a fairy who doesn't take a bath?

Stinker Bell.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung.

The guardians of the galaxy!
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