Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A tree in a golden forest.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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