Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
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How many subscribers to AOL does it take to change a light bulb?

What? You can change light bulbs?
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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