Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth

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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.

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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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Why did the sun go to school?

To get brighter!

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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!
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What kind of underwear to reporters wear?

News briefs.
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Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.

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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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