Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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What two things can you not have for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate 9.
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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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