Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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What country makes you shiver?

Chile.
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What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon!
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Why didn't the rooster cross the road?

Because it was chicken.
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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