Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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How many college girls does it take to change a light bulb?

That's "women," you unfunny jerk!
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to the body shop.
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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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