Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.
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What do ghosts eat for supper?

Spooketi
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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What kind of cats like to go bowling?

Alley cats.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.
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