Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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Trump: "It's not a toupee,

I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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