Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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Why did the sun go to school?

To get brighter!
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!
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What is a ghost's favorite fruit?

Booberries!
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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