Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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Where does Dorian Gray shop?

Forever 21
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer

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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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