Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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