Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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