Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

The fish.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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What kind of cats like to go bowling?

Alley cats.
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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