Why are there fences around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!
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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many French Horn players does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he/she will spend hours checking for technical problems.
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

She ran away from the ball.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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