Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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What kind of table has no legs.

A multiplication table.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What is the chemical formula for "coffee"?

CoFe2
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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What do sea monsters eat for lunch?

Fish and ships.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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