Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

"Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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What is a shark's favorite sandwich?

Peanut butter and jellyfish.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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