Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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