Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What happened when the monster ate the electric company?

He was in shock for a week.
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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Why did a boy thow a clock out the window?

To see time fly.
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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

A stick.
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