Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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How do you make a band stand?

Take their chairs away!
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Why did the cookie go to the Doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby.
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more, guys, I promise.
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