Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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Why was the baseball game so hot?

Because all the fans left!
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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