Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What is always hot in the refrigerator?

Chili
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What goes under your feet and over your head?

A jump rope.
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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