Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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Where does a polarbear keep its money?

In a snow bank!
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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What's black and white, black and white, black and white and green?

Three skunks fighting over a pickle

First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you?
Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy
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And how come her cell phone bill was so high?

She was a Roman (roamin) Catholic
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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