Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?

A hoarse fly!
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When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check

It said Nah, I'm traveling light.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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