Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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What did one flower say to the other flower?

Hey, bud!
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What do you call a story about a broken pencil?

Pointless
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And how come her cell phone bill was so high?

She was a Roman (roamin) Catholic
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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