Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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