Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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What country makes you shiver?

Chile.
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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How many referral agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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What's a light-year?

The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
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