Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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