Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!

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How many Bratzlaver Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find a bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.

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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."

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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!

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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.

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What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan

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