Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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Why did a boy thow a clock out the window?

To see time fly.
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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What do you call a bruise on a T-Rex?

A dino-sore
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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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