Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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How do Vikings send secret messages?

Norse code.
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What did one magnet say to the other?

I find you very attractive.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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How many singers from Nashville does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love he is with the new one, and one to go "Yee-Hah!" and throw his cowboy hat in the air.
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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