Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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Why did the drum take a nap?

It was beat.
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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story
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Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop.
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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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