Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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"Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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How does the ocean say hello?

It waves.
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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