Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why did the cow go to outer space?

To visit the milky way.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?

Because he had no BODY to go with.
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
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