Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, but they're really only one.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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Why did the cookie go to the Doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?

To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.

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