Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?

A natural major.
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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I have a friend who is a Limo driver . But he has had no clients for two years.

So he has nothing to chauffeur it !
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